Raising Resilient Kids: Proactive Parenting Strategies

What actually builds resiliency? Are we born with resiliency or is it developed over time? 

As a family therapist, I’m honored to have a front-row seat to some of the most powerful moments for children; the quiet breakthrough that they are capable, the lightbulb realization their feelings can help them find solutions, and the small acts of courage that build into resilience. Over and over again, I’ve seen that resilience isn’t something kids are simply born with; it’s something they build, day by day, through intentional efforts with supportive adults around them. 

We don’t need to wait for kids to be in tough situations to start helping them build resilience. With the right support and mindset, we can prepare them before the challenge comes to give them not just coping skills, but a deep sense of confidence in their own ability to face life’s ups and downs. Here are 3 ways you can help build your child’s resiliency:

• Be a positive support- research shows the single most important way to increase a child’s resiliency is having at least one positive supportive adult in their life. This could be a parent, a teacher, a coach, or an extended family member. Be a steady presence, give your kids attention and encourage them to try again when things get tough. This could be regularly spending a few minutes asking about specific moments of their day such as “What did you play at recess?” or “Did you see your friend at practice?” Remember what they say they are concerned about or looking forward to and follow up with them. The more specific and caring your questions are the more likely your child is to feel seen and supported.

  
  

• Increase emotional regulation- resilient kids understand that the purpose of their emotions is to help them figure out problems and find solutions. They know how to regulate and express their emotions in effective and helpful ways to bounce back and try again. Help your kids to increase their emotional awareness by saying things out loud like “I’m feeling overwhelmed so I need to find a quieter space to work on this”.

  
  

• Build self-efficacy- this is the belief that “I can do hard things.” Kids develop this belief by experiencing challenges, overcoming them with support, and having positive adults celebrate their capabilities. If your child is facing a challenge, help them to find ways through the challenge instead of avoiding it. Try encouraging your child to find a solution to overcome the challenge and take small steps forward. For example, if your child is nervous to order their own food at a restaurant. They may start by telling you what they would like to order, next saying their order to you in front of the waiter, and lastly to the waiter directly over several visits to the restaurant. Each time they do something they are scared or nervous to do they experience being capable and build the belief they can be capable in the future.

The good news is that every child can build resiliency skills to prepare for their future, they just need the help of supportive adults around them to do so. If you have questions about how to better help your child build resiliency feel free to reach out to a therapist or counselor for guidance. Resilience is one of the most important life skills you can help your child build for a successful future.

Written by: Jennifer Wilmoth, LMFT