Relationship Wellness 101: What Healthy Couples do Differently

Ever wonder what the healthiest, happiest couples are doing behind the scenes? Or why do some couples stay together while others fall apart? As a couples therapist, I’ve seen that most relationships don’t fall apart because of one big issue, but because of the small moments partners never realized mattered. In other words, it’s rarely the disagreements, personality differences, or the everyday stress of work and parenting that determine whether a couple will thrive or not. After studying more than 40,000 couples over 40 years, Drs. John and Julie Gottman discovered that the true measure of a relationship’s health and longevity is how consistently partners respond to each other’s bids for connection.

Bids are the everyday moments when your partner attempts to connect with you such as showing you a meme, sighing after a long day, brushing your arm in passing, or sharing a memory with you. On the surface these may not look like defining relationship moments, but research reveals a powerful pattern: healthy couples turn toward these bids for connection 86% of the time while struggling couples do so only 33% of the time. You see the secret to a healthy relationship isn’t mastering conflict better or skilled communication, it’s noticing the quiet “Hey, connect with me” moments and choosing not to ignore them. Here are two practical ways you can practice this in your relationship.

Look for Opportunities to Connect: A bid or attempt for connection can be as subtle as “Look at that sunset,” or as vulnerable as “I’m overwhelmed.” Healthy couples view these moments not as interruptions, but as invitations to connect.

What healthy couples do differently:

• They pause briefly to acknowledge the bid for connection.

• They make eye contact, smile, or ask a simple follow-up question.

• They treat bids as emotional glue rather than background noise. 

Responding doesn’t require stopping everything. It’s simply signaling, “I’m here and I care.” These tiny acknowledgments accumulate into a sense of partnership and trust over time.

Offer Repairs- Research has discovered that ignoring or dismissing a bid for connection is not a small thing. Turning away (silent disengagement) and turning against (irritation or criticism) chip away at trust, moment by moment.

Healthy couples protect the emotional climate by putting down their phones and other distractions to turn toward each other whenever possible.

What healthy couples do differently:

• They notice when distraction or impatience creeps in and course-correct.

• They repair missed bids with small gestures: “I’m sorry — I was distracted. What were you saying?”

• They treat connection as a daily practice, not an occasional effort such as just on date night.

Relationship wellness is found in the dynamics you build through these small moments of interaction and connection. Your relationship isn’t shaped by grand gestures or even difficult arguments, it’s shaped by how you respond to the next small moment when your partner reaches out to connect with you. Healthy couples do something very different and deeply effective: They pay attention. They turn toward each other. And they choose connection again and again. When couples stay curious, responsive, and willing to turn toward each other, they create a home where both partners feel seen, valued, and loved. 

Reference: www.gottman.com

Written by: Jennifer Wilmoth, LMFT